To Do List: Get Lost

These are old books I pulled off the shelf and said I will read before I buy another book

Well, I just ordered Stephen King’s Mr. Mercedes but I won’t read it till I finish this pile.

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Well I’ll read one but when Amazon drops Mr. Mercedes at my doorstep, I won’t lie to myself I’m reading it for the weekend.220px-Mrmercedes-3

My Hurrr

I posted a pic the other day of the awesome Sonia Sanchez and I. A few of my friends noticed that I cut my hair.
I didn’t cut it because I was wanting to go natural. I already was.
I didn’t cut it because I love short hair on me. I really don’t. I feel I have such prominent features, like a man, that hair helps to cover that up. I feel less attractive with short hair. That is just me. I can’t tell you the load of pictures I went through on Pinterest of women with short hair just killing it. But no matter how gorgeous they look short hair still makes me feel ugly.

When I was younger I would cut my hair all the time. In the eighties we all experimented with style. Angled hair, big hair, shaved hair, everything. I cut it in a pixie like Halle, I cut it short up front and a shag in the back but now I can barely look in the mirror. So why did I cut my hair?
Sexual harrasment.
Sounds crazy, huh?
It is.

I recently went through a sexual harassment/stalking incident at work. To say the experience unraveled me would be an understatement. It made me question my smile, my friendliness, my walk, my talk, my eyes, and my hair. It made me feel dirty and question how people (men) see me.

I am the first to admit that I love the attention of men when they find me attractive. I get a boost of ego when someones says hello to me with their eyes because they think I’m attractive.
I love it when I can walk into a room and feel the sucking in of air from a man who in his head is like ‘whoa’. And I’m no great beauty I only see myself as average but there men who have made me feel I was on a level of beautiful that you see only in movies.
So I’m not completely shy of attention.

However, I am stunned when a man will dare to whisper/email me the things he would love to do to me when all he has ever received from me is friendly work conversation.
I am stunned when a man can go from a compliment to I want to please your body in ways you have no idea.
Hold up. Wait…I don’t think I asked for that because I smiled at you or was friendly. Our banter was never sexual. I never wanted it to be but he took all that and made me feel ugly about who I was.
So I cut off that big fro that I was starting to love with my Ruby Woo lipstick and I cried for three days because it was instant regret.

He said it was the alcohol and pain killer mixture he was taking that made him send me three hundred emails in three days. Maybe it was. I never read him to be the person he turned into those few days but I stopped thinking about how it was HIS problem and focused how I had let it happen in the first place.

I said all the wrong things to myself. I took all the blame even though everyone around me said it was not my fault. I felt somewhat vindicated when HR and Legal went through all of our emails and could not find one instance where I led this person on…they were stunned as I was that he just flipped like he did. But it didn’t matter I  felt guilty of something.

I no longer feel that way. I feel stronger, like my old self. Now I’m my old self with short hair and Ruby Woo lipstick.

Rejection Doesn’t have to Hurt

This is my first rejection letter/email. I smiled when I read it, totally unaffected by the dismissal. So I didn’t make her cut. That is perfectly ok. I aimed very high approaching this agent as she represents one of my favorite authors. I thank her for her prompt reply but there are many other stars in the sky to shoot for.
I’ll just be over here sitting in my chair being authentic to myself.
The writing continues.

Dear Author,

 

Thank you for contacting ______ about representation.   Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you representation at this time. Due to the large number of submissions Susan receives, she is forced to be extremely selective when considering new clients. After reflection, we don’t feel that this is a perfect fit for Susan’s list. Publishing is very subjective, however, and another agent may well feel differently.

 

I sincerely apologize for the impersonal nature of this reply—we receive hundreds of submissions a month.

 

Thank you again for thinking of ______.  We wish you all the best of luck in the future.
Best wishes,

Stacy

 

Scariest Thing in Life

I type this quickly as I take a break from a ‘creative minds retreat’ in PA. I just left a workshop called The Scariest Thing in Life is Life.
The lecturer said life is all about finding your authentic self and living accordingly. I guess that is something we all know deep inside.
Most of us however spend our life living for the external, whether it be people we love or the possessions we want, we live in accordance to those rules. We speak in accordance to other voices.
It has taken me a long time to trust the voice I have and be secure in the decisions my voice announces.
The scariest thing in my life is not believing in my own authenticity. 

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