The Adoption Option

I heard a story the other day of a woman who recently had an abortion. She is married and already has four children. Her husband has not worked in over a year. They both feel they just cannot handle another addition to their family. Now, I know a woman who has been trying to have her own child for five years. She has suffered multiple miscarriages and now wants to adopt, however her husband does not and feels eventually a successful pregnancy will happen. How ideal would it be for the first woman to be able to carry her baby for the second? You know why it is not ideal? Because as much as we all hate abortion we put just as much a hate on a woman, a mature woman, who chooses to give her baby up for adoption.

I try not to think of any pregnancy as unwanted but let’s be real there are many children conceived in less than ideal situations and simply not wanted. Despite all the prevention arguments and the God’s gift rhetoric we all know ish happens. Why any group would try to block birth control is a brain below stupid but that is another debate for another day…probably tomorrow the way things are going. My concern is do we push adoption enough?

This is not a debate about abortion just a question I’ve been sincerely thinking about since the Komen debacle.

Birth control literatures inform teenage girls that adoption is an option but depending on her cultural background it may not be even considered. She is dealing with the shame of a teenage pregnancy, her parent’s anguish, and the opinions of her peers. She may only hear about adoption when she seeks to terminate her pregnancy but what if the option of adoption is encouraged by her family and friends, no judgment attached?

If I were to get pregnant tomorrow and told my family, friends, co-workers that at the end of the nine months I was going to give the baby up for adoption, you know what I’d get? Judgment. Maybe not from everyone but there would be a lot of questions and a lot of dialogue behind my back. I doubt anyone would come right out and accuse me of being selfish but the sentiment would linger in the air. You have a good job, you own your own home, it’s not like you are a teenager blah blah blah… Why wouldn’t I want to make the best of a bad situation and keep my child? A child is God’s blessing and who turns their back on God’s blessing?

How accepting are we of a woman who gives up her baby for adoption? People who scream about abortion and stopping birth control don’t really encourage adoption. It’s is said offhandedly for an argument but is it really encouraged?


5 thoughts on “The Adoption Option

  1. Having made this decision before, I didn’t feel comfrotable with adoption. I felt that is I was going to carry a child I was going to keep it. Adoption was and is a suitable option for some women but in my case I just couldn’t fathom giving my child away or actively participating in someone else raising my child. But to answer you question I don’t think adpotion is really pushed as an option unless of course you are of a desirable race and background.


    1. adoption vs abortion is definitely an issue I pondered as well as an adult. With divorce looming and fear of going on my own with the addition of another child the thought of adoption entered my mind and briefly left. It was easier to contemplate abortion because no one would find out about the pregnancy, I wouldn’t have the questions I mentioned above but I think the adoption idea would have been easier for me if I thought I had the support. I never even made the suggestion and I think that was cultural…of course I had the baby and I’m over the moon happy with that decision but i remember those days where the children ate and I had a glass of milk. I would forever miss a child I gave up feeling that child grow is a beautiful thing but I believe I would have been able to do it…


  2. I agree…there is just as much judgement against giving up babies for adoption as there is against aborting one. A lot of women are shunned. Women used to be shipped out for a long visit with Auntie Em and then be expected to return happy as a clam.
    And I find this lack of encouragement odd because it’s so hip to adopt a foreign baby but not one from one’s own soil. “Oh, it’s all good because the mother was a poor refugee from a third world country.” Or a baby from China has special cachet because those people are female baby haters. Why the disparity of it’s great to adopt a foreign child but awful to give your own baby up? I look forward to hearing your opinion on that, Shahidah (rubbing hands together in gleeful anticipation!)
    ps: love the “brain below stupid” phrase!


    1. morezennow:Why the disparity of it’s great to adopt a foreign child but awful to give your own baby up?

      Because they are not our neighbors, co-workers, or relatives. We view motherhood as a rite of passage that every woman should anticipate like the fairy-tale marriage. We even look at women who say they don’t want to be mothers with a bit of scorn.In my own family I have a few mothers who could not bear children and have had to take on other relatives children or adopt their own but if one of the baby vessels like myself said I was giving up a child for adoption I know there would have been some opposition.
      We are saviors to foreign born children and children that are born to teenage mothers whom we don’t know but never our co-worker, neighbor or relative. that is just my humble east coast opinion

      the line brain below stupid I stole from a judge when I was in court with the ex. He was fighting child support tooth and nail. Just nitpicking everything and the judge was just tired and said to him “you have to be below stupid if you think I’m going to give this woman less than what your children deserve” I thought that summed it up nicely LOL


  3. Sorry to reply back so late..
    My friend and I had the discussion on the whole rite of passage/motherhood thing a few days ago. I think that it’s not necessary to becoming a whole woman. My favorite aunt never had children and she was a helluva woman, person, guiding light. I think a scornful attitude is jealous hindsight from those who wished they had their freedom back. Ha!
    And you’re right, the opposition would be fierce. I have walked in shoes I never want to walk in again. The details are unimportant. Suffice it to say I made the right choice for the circumstances facing me at the time.

    I love your humble east coast opinion. And that judge has made it to the Too Cool list!


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