By appearance most people see me as secure, confident, and pretty much fearless. That is what people see but it is not who I am and I wonder how I was able to fool so many people.
I am fearful. I don’t meet every challenge in my life with a lion’s roar, unfortunately most often if I find something too hard I find a way to get out of it. I do what is necessary, of course but all the things I could have done I chose not to because of fear of failure. People don’t see that in me. I guess I live the other part of my life with such bravado that they don’t see the part in me that is empty. It really wouldn’t matter if they did because the only one disappointed in me is me.
It’s a horrible feeling looking back on things and seeing where you failed to be brave. No one else may know but I do.
I want to think I have changed or at least recognized that pitiful part of me that gets consumed by insecurity and hurts my soul. Today I made a list of three things I was afraid to do and I did them. At one point I started to make an excuse of why I couldn’t do one of them-I was tired, I could reschedule, or I could just not do it and lie and say I did but I didn’t do that. I felt the fear and did it anyway.
I didn’t make the loud sound of the conquering lion I want to be, maybe not even the annoying purr of a cat but I made some noise. I heard it.