My Hurrr

I posted a pic the other day of the awesome Sonia Sanchez and I. A few of my friends noticed that I cut my hair.
I didn’t cut it because I was wanting to go natural. I already was.
I didn’t cut it because I love short hair on me. I really don’t. I feel I have such prominent features, like a man, that hair helps to cover that up. I feel less attractive with short hair. That is just me. I can’t tell you the load of pictures I went through on Pinterest of women with short hair just killing it. But no matter how gorgeous they look short hair still makes me feel ugly.

When I was younger I would cut my hair all the time. In the eighties we all experimented with style. Angled hair, big hair, shaved hair, everything. I cut it in a pixie like Halle, I cut it short up front and a shag in the back but now I can barely look in the mirror. So why did I cut my hair?
Sexual harrasment.
Sounds crazy, huh?
It is.

I recently went through a sexual harassment/stalking incident at work. To say the experience unraveled me would be an understatement. It made me question my smile, my friendliness, my walk, my talk, my eyes, and my hair. It made me feel dirty and question how people (men) see me.

I am the first to admit that I love the attention of men when they find me attractive. I get a boost of ego when someones says hello to me with their eyes because they think I’m attractive.
I love it when I can walk into a room and feel the sucking in of air from a man who in his head is like ‘whoa’. And I’m no great beauty I only see myself as average but there men who have made me feel I was on a level of beautiful that you see only in movies.
So I’m not completely shy of attention.

However, I am stunned when a man will dare to whisper/email me the things he would love to do to me when all he has ever received from me is friendly work conversation.
I am stunned when a man can go from a compliment to I want to please your body in ways you have no idea.
Hold up. Wait…I don’t think I asked for that because I smiled at you or was friendly. Our banter was never sexual. I never wanted it to be but he took all that and made me feel ugly about who I was.
So I cut off that big fro that I was starting to love with my Ruby Woo lipstick and I cried for three days because it was instant regret.

He said it was the alcohol and pain killer mixture he was taking that made him send me three hundred emails in three days. Maybe it was. I never read him to be the person he turned into those few days but I stopped thinking about how it was HIS problem and focused how I had let it happen in the first place.

I said all the wrong things to myself. I took all the blame even though everyone around me said it was not my fault. I felt somewhat vindicated when HR and Legal went through all of our emails and could not find one instance where I led this person on…they were stunned as I was that he just flipped like he did. But it didn’t matter I  felt guilty of something.

I no longer feel that way. I feel stronger, like my old self. Now I’m my old self with short hair and Ruby Woo lipstick.


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