On Whack Ass Shit: Jurassic World

I was pretty excited to see Jurassic Park because I loved the first one and I think Chris Pratt is a cool dude. It was my intention to see the movie that first weekend but I didn’t have the two hours to spare.  Honestly, I am glad I didn’t rush out to see it because it was just okay. Yes, I am disappointed. I want more from a big action summer blockbuster movie but I didn’t get it with this one.  I spent more time doing the this-is-bullshit-sigh throughout the movie than actually enjoying it.

chris prattSorry Chris Pratt I still think you are a cool dude and you handled your business but Jurassic World SHOULD have been better. The park looked great but the story was just too familiar. The movie relied on a story we’ve seen before, boring characters, and no logic.

Is it just me or is anyone else tired, I mean REALLY FN tired, of over-privileged, whiney-ass, sulking, pouting kids in movies? Not just big action movies like this one but all movies? I mean you get a trip to Costa Rica to a multi-million dollar DINOSAUR PARK and you could be so bothered. Then you have the brother who is so over excited he is running around like a spastic kid on speed that he can’t possibly be enjoying anything. He got on my nerves from scene one. I wanted them both to get eaten right away but in movies that never happens even though I suspect that most of the audience not just me would LOVE it.

the kids

I didn’t even bother to remember their names because their acting sucked too.

Now I have to give it to Bryce Dallas Howard because although she started out annoying as hell as most women are in these kind of movies she totally redeemed herself by running her ass off and not falling once in her low heels. I still wanted her to get eaten especially at the end when she looks up at Chris Pratt and says ‘What do we do now?’bryce

How about get a lawyer because I’m pretty damn sure you will be named in a class action suit in the very near future.

I have to admit the new dinosaur Indominus Rex was pretty cool with the camouflage move in the jungle. That was pretty bad ass. He was a true monster and it’s too bad that everyone who thought it was a good idea to create such a beast got killed because I would have liked to see those motherfuckers dragged off in handcuffs, get sued and end up in prison and to get their sentence reduced they would have to outrun a velociraptor.

I mean really how is this beast a good idea?

Now the climatic fight at the end was good but I made it great in my head.  I love a T-Rex in just about any movie but Jurassic Park made the T-Rex iconic so when it came out to fight pumped up Indominus Rex I gave it a Samuel L. Jackson voiceover.  Imagine a T-Rex with Samuel L. Jackson’s voice? Do it I promise it is the best thing ever…well almost because when the Raptor came out to help Samuel L. Jackson Rex I gave it Joe Pesci’s voice. Cool, right? I was cracking up and no one knew why!

If you have a booming dolby-like sound system in your home I wouldn’t rush out to Jurassic World, it was unimpressive. The story just needed to be stronger and constantly throwing in the same kids who need to be rescued because they don’t fucking listen is boring. Let’s evolve from that.

Maybe the next one will be better. Maybe Samuel L. Jackson will be the voice of the T-Rex…can’t be any worse.

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