On Horror: The Hair Downstairs

I have not yet accepted that there are gray hairs in my temples. I’m forty-eight I guess I should expect them but it does not mean I accept them and because those little bastards are resilient as hell I dye them every four to five weeks. My daughter says I should just let it go its natural course. I said the same dumb shit to my mother at twenty-five so I just roll my eyes and keep it moving, her day will come. What I need is to find a hair dye that will last for more than three weeks because these gray hairs are dye-defying ninjas kicking colors ass and winning! #ridiculous

There are two gray ninjas making themselves comfortable in my eyebrows as I type. I swear I just plucked them out two days ago and yet here they sit again. I wish my money came back into my hands as fast and without effort.

I thought this was the worse it could get until last night when I found a little white hair down there.


I’d just stepped out shower and was drying myself off and saw it. I thought it was a piece of cat hair that got onto my towel. How disgusting. I don’t love my cat near enough to not care if I see some of his hair mixed up in my pubic hair of all damn places. I tried to grab it.


I wiped it with the other side of the towel.

OMG! It was still there. WTF???????



Emotionally I am just not ready for this. I mean it’s been a rough year already. I have been dealing with a lot of shit lately with this whole ageing, empty nest, career hell thing and now this. I sat on the edge of the tub looking between my legs like ‘wow this is happening, I have a gray pubic hair.’

I have NEVER thought about hair growing gray down there even after the gray eyebrow hair came in. I never heard any of my friends mention it. Gray pubic hair never came up in the many mother daughter talks I have with my mom who I speak to every day. I don’t recall reading about gray pubic hairs in the millions of copies of women magazines I own- well truth could be that maybe one mentioned it because there are a lot I haven’t flipped open they are just sitting on the side of my bed piled high waiting. Maybe I missed it. It doesn’t matter. I consciously never gave this a thought.


I don’t keep a forest down there but I’m not for the pre-adolescent look either. I’m a peach fuzz kinda girl with a nice line-up so this single gray wasn’t long like it had been hiding out for weeks.  It was new but seemed like maybe it was chilling out for awhile. How did I miss this? I just envisioned it popping on the scene yelling

‘Whaaaaat’s up?

And my other hairs greeting it like

‘Hey, I like that silver color man!”

No damn defense like it’s just cool to let gray strangers pop up on my damn vagina!

I wanted to yell at them-

‘WTF man??? Do you not pay attention to what I go through upstairs dying my hair every crescent moon because of these bastards! If you let one pop on the scene like a dandelion another will follow and then where would I be?’

I don’t know why I still give inanimate things life and have conversations like this I just do. Don’t judge.

I didn’t cry but I felt like it. I took out the little eyebrow tweezers and yanked that sucker out and I didn’t even wince.

Fuck that I whispered to myself. I’m not giving in to this either.

I called my mom this morning; I still do that for certain life emergencies. #dontjudge

‘Mom, I found a gray hair. I didn’t even know you could get those…I mean I guess I knew but I didn’t really know.”

She laughed, “yeah, they are not a big deal though. You may get ten or so but they don’t take over.”

‘Really? Its not like my whole area is going to be covered with gray hairs?’

‘Oh, heck no. Well, mine isn’t so I wouldn’t think yours would be.’

Omg! What a relief. Yes, I know my hair does not define me blah, blah, blah but thank you God!


And just like that the sun is shining again on my happy vagina.




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